Comments on: Can You Keep a Secret?

By: Rich

Rich — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 01:44:14 +0000

[11] There’s a quote in a movie about that, but the name of it escapes me.

By: Mr. OK Jazz TOKYO

Mr. OK Jazz TOKYO — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 01:15:37 +0000

One of the beautiful things about baseball is how it unites different members of the family that would otherwise be at each other’s throats (or just keep a deadly silence..) It doesn’t necessaruly heal wounds or make the skeletons go away, but it does make family gatherings smoother for all concerned..

By: RIYank

RIYank — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 18:50:40 +0000

I think it is about compassion, but it’s also something else. It’s the love or trust or forgiveness that you don’t have to earn. Robert Frost said it about home:

‘Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
They have to take you in.’
‘I should have called it
Something you somehow haven’t to deserve.’

(In “Death of a Hired Man” — two different characters are talking, it’s a bit hard to sort them out.)

By: ms october

ms october — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 18:45:55 +0000

interesting post alex.
definitely agree with yankee mama – shame and fear of judgment are at the center of much of the secrets, which is largely about projecting a certain image.
there’s been a fair amount of secretive stuff in my family.
my mom is not from the us too – i think being able to go somewhere else and “reinvent” yourself and your family is part of it – though there are plenty of secrets even if that is not a part of your life story.

By: Rich

Rich — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 18:00:39 +0000

Compassion is an apt word in this context. Some families try to hide various problems, sometimes out of shame or embarrassment, but other times out of a need to live up to an unrealistic view of what normal is that very few people or families could ever meet. Then, when the issues are exposed and re-examined with the benefit of time and changed societal norms, it’s hard not to feel a mixture of sorry and sympathy for the pain that close family members went through that probably could have been reduced if different coping strategies had been employed, including the support that other families members could have offered if only they had known the truth.

By: Yankee Mama

Yankee Mama — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:29:43 +0000

I think in famlies where there is alcoholism involved, there is a big investment in keeping up appearances. Things aren’t always what they seem. My mother went to great lengths to encourage my brother and I to progagate the myth of our family life. I even came to believe it until I had to face my own issues and began the unraveling of my illusions.

As for secrets, all families have them. some come to the surface, some stay under the rug. I didn’t find out until my grandmother’s funeral (she was 92) that my father was adopted by the man he thought to be his father. My father found out when he was 69. My mom found out before she married my father and never told a soul, not even him. Talk about keeping secrets.

It all comes down to shame and fear of judgement. Ultimately, who are we hiding from?

By: Will Weiss

Will Weiss — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:22:37 +0000

[5] Chimay, all the way.

By: Rob Abruzzese

Rob Abruzzese — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:12:39 +0000

I’m sorry, all I can think about is all of the great varieties of Belgium beer.

By: Alex Belth

Alex Belth — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:11:25 +0000

“I think once you tear down the myth and find out how your family members truly are as people, it makes it easier to hold onto certain myths.”

I actually think once you can see beyond the myths and see the humanity, warts and all, it is easier to let go of the myths, or the need to believe in them. For me, the biggest thing is to get over being judgemental and not try find solutions but to understand why things happened, what were the circumstances, etc.

Anyhow, interesting stuff.

By: Chyll Will

Chyll Will — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 15:47:57 +0000

I agree with all of you. I’m the baby of my family in more ways than one, and having missed much of what I thought was the fun part of everyone’s lives I felt isolated from my own family for years. Especially because there’s a whole section of my family I know very little about (my father’s side), I sometimes felt empty.

But Mom enriched our lives so much on her own that I don’t have much reason to feel that way and I’m continuing to build my own legacy. I knew there are a whole lot of secrets in my family that I’m better off not knowing; if for nothing but to remained focused on what I can do as opposed to feeling bad about or restrained by what was done in the past. In fact, I think that’s mainly why families keep secrets in the first place.

By: Will Weiss

Will Weiss — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 15:27:16 +0000

[0] Great post, Al. Every family has secrets. Some hold grudges. Sometimes is spills into the immediate family, too. I think once you tear down the myth and find out how your family members truly are as people, it makes it easier to hold onto certain myths. In the end, what’s important is how they treated you and how you treated them in return.

By: Mattpat11

Mattpat11 — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 14:34:31 +0000

I think my extended family takes a ‘let sleeping dogs lie” philosophy. I’m sure we all sort of know things about each other, but there’s no reason to talk about them.