Have you considered that maybe you married your wife for all the wrong reasons (she’s a babe, but not much else there), and that this is a good time to reevaluate your marriage?

I’d work on my driving … in all senses of the word.

The situation with the public needs to be handled quickly. Are you well-liked in spite of the xenophobia of the Japanese people? Find a reputable spin doctor. You need to come off as someone for whom we would feel sympathy and want to forgive. Go the mensch route.

Have things in Tokyo changed so much that indiscretions are now so taboo?

David Letterman handled his situation well. Ask yourself, what would Derek Jeter do? Of course, he wouldn’t get into this mess.

Now, the situation with your wife is another thing, coming down to two things, did you or didn’t you? If you did, then there’s been a breakdown of trust. Suggest counseling to handle this with a pro. Be prepared to eat a lot of crow. If you didn’t, then it’s the same advice, find a pro and get some mediating. She basically beat the shit out of you and that has to be unsettling, although many like the stimulus of high drama. It will take time.

Good luck! Ultimately, it can be good for business. People eat this stuff up.

Big question is, did your or didn’t you? If you didn’t, then it’s on her to get a grip and calm down. If you did mess around, well then, may I suggest a catcher’s mask.

So my wife hears that I may be messing around on the side a bit. She doesn’t have any proof but you know how rumors get spread..I’ve got a bit of a high-profile over here and up to now, a Krystal-Klear reputation..my lady confronts me when I get home and, as I told a friend later on, she “went ghetto” on me. (Note: “going ghetto” in Tokyo is no joke. Seen the movie “Audition”?)

So..I get scatched up a bit and some of the neighbors saw and heard some things. I tried to buy them off but it didn’t work. Now the fuzz are trying to get me on something (they always are looking for dirt on successful foreigners over here) and the press is all over me. I got a LOT of bread, but what’s my next move?

Teary-eyed press conference & apology? (Followed by a Kobe-special?)
Vaguely worded “statement” and then refer to lawyers?
Japanese-style apology while on knees, cying fanatically and swearing reform (only to return to doing whatever I did before without hesitation)?
Big middle-finger to everyone saying “it’s private, buzz off!”?

Any advice?

Arigato!

In the unheeded words of Jello Biafra, MTV, Get off the air, NOW!