"A New York Treasure" --Village Voice

SPECIAL EDITION Baseball Player Name of the Week: Mob Boss

Via the inimitable Pat Kiernan, yesterday’s mass mob arrests in the New York area have unearthed some fantastic new mob nicknames. As a group, mafia types really excel at the nickname, perhaps even more than ballplayers; today I thought I’d try to merge the two genres. Herewith, actual mob nicknames from the Daily News, and their imaginary position on the baseball diamond:

Tony Bagels
Two good options here: the reliable ace who keeps putting zeros up on the scoreboard, or the hapless rookie still hitting .000 two weeks into his first stint in the majors.

The Claw

Jack the Whack
Dumb-as-a-post platooned corner outfielder who plays unfortunate defense but, at the plate, runs into one every so often and hits it to the next county.

Fat Larry
Elder-statesman DH beloved by teammates and groupies coast-to-coast.

Baby Fat
Fat Larry’s younger brother, a perenially disappointing 3B who would be more suited to DH but is just not a good enough hitter.

Popular hefty lefty starting pitcher.

This would work for like 40% of all Major League players, actually.

Vinny Carwash
Middle reliever who’s nothing to write home about except for his one truly fantastic secondary pitch, probably a changeup.

Junior Lollipops
Light-hitting shortstop who plays just good enough defense and smacks just enough seeing-eye singles to stay in the league basically forever.

Ancient first base coach famous for his heckling gifts with regards to opponents and umps.

The Beard
I did not know Brian Wilson was a member of the Genovese crime family.

You know what? I’m not going to make fun of anyone nicknamed Nighthawk. Likely not someone you want to mess with.

Baby Shacks
Former Rookie of the Year 2B who never lives up to the hype.

Bullpen catcher and professional butt of jokes.

Johnny Glasses
Grouchy veteran umpire.


1 Alex Belth   ~  Jan 21, 2011 1:06 pm

I like Mush!

2 Diane Firstman   ~  Jan 21, 2011 1:29 pm

Another one of those "wish I had thought to write this" posts ....

Nice work, Emma

3 Mr OK Jazz Tokyo   ~  Jan 21, 2011 5:51 pm

Those nicknames are incredible. Even if the Russian and Chinese mobs take over NYC they'll never have those names!

4 Cliff Corcoran   ~  Jan 21, 2011 7:50 pm

Extraordinarily well done, Emma. It's no wonder Hollywood loves to make mob movies/films. How can you not want to make a movie with a character named Tony Bagels?

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"This ain't football. We do this every day."
--Earl Weaver