It’s a long offseason, but it always goes by faster than you expect, which is why it’s so important for the Yankee staff and players to stay organized this winter. Bronx Banter has exclusively obtained* a glimpse at some of their To-Do Lists:
Hank Steinbrenner: Formulate escape plan to break free of the soundproof prison Hal locked him inside two years ago, hitchhike to the nearest media outlet, and frankly express views on free agent negotiations. (Begin by discussing the incredible fatness of Casey Close’s mom.)
Derek Jeter: Renovate and expand his vault, built for swimming through piles of cash (excellent off-season strength training that doesn’t put too much strain on the joints).
Brett Gardner: Hire a publicist.
Nick Swisher: The stakes in the Alternately Likable-and-Irritating Goofball Competition having been raised by Brian Wilson’s impeccable performance in the playoffs last year, Swish needs to step up his game, either via wacky tattoo, wacky interviews, or — though this may not be possible — wackier hair, facial and otherwise. Fauxhawks just don’t cut it anymore. Perhaps Starburns.
Everyone who ever had any interaction with Charlie Samuels: Shred everything.
Alex Rodriguez: Get dates with fit blonde celebrities by asking them to help him “exercise his hip flexor”.
A.J. Burnett: … Fuck it, I don’t even know, you guys.
Mariano Rivera: Continue to maintain that Jesus is coming and, this time, be correct. [RELATED: Your To-Do List should include bracing yourself for about a thousand Jesus jokes from me this coming season; mine already includes apologizing profusely in advance].
Brian Cashman: Track down the Yankees fans who were mean to Kristen Lee, have them killed, fly to Arkansas oand deliver their severed heads to Cliff Lee on a silver platter alongside massive contract offer.
Who’s got more?