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After “Stare Out The Window And Wait For Spring”

It’s a long offseason, but it always goes by faster than you expect, which is why it’s so important for the Yankee staff and players to stay organized this winter. Bronx Banter has exclusively obtained* a glimpse at some of their To-Do Lists:

Hank Steinbrenner: Formulate escape plan to break free of the soundproof prison Hal locked him inside two years ago, hitchhike to the nearest media outlet, and frankly express views on free agent negotiations. (Begin by discussing the incredible fatness of Casey Close’s mom.)

Derek Jeter: Renovate and expand his vault, built for swimming through piles of cash (excellent off-season strength training that doesn’t put too much strain on the joints).

Brett Gardner: Hire a publicist.

Jorge Posada: Read a lot of Sartres, Camus, Proust; brood on mortality, the passage of time, the senescence that comes to us all eventually; toughen up hands.

Nick Swisher: The stakes in the Alternately Likable-and-Irritating Goofball Competition having been raised by Brian Wilson’s impeccable performance in the playoffs last year, Swish needs to step up his game, either via wacky tattoo, wacky interviews, or — though this may not be possible — wackier hair, facial and otherwise. Fauxhawks just don’t cut it anymore. Perhaps Starburns.

Everyone who ever had any interaction with Charlie Samuels: Shred everything.

Alex Rodriguez: Get dates with fit blonde celebrities by asking them to help him “exercise his hip flexor”.

A.J. Burnett: … Fuck it, I don’t even know, you guys.

Mariano Rivera: Continue to maintain that Jesus is coming and, this time, be correct. [RELATED: Your To-Do List should include bracing yourself for about a thousand Jesus jokes from me this coming season; mine already includes apologizing profusely in advance].

Brian Cashman: Track down the Yankees fans who were mean to Kristen Lee, have them killed, fly to Arkansas oand deliver their severed heads to Cliff Lee on a silver platter alongside massive contract offer.

Who’s got more?

*Not really.

Categories:  Baseball Musings  Emma Span  Hot Stove  Yankees

Tags:  Brian Cashman  Derek Jeter

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1 Alex Belth   ~  Nov 17, 2010 3:39 pm

I thought A Rod was writing the great American novel this winter.

2 Mattpat11   ~  Nov 17, 2010 5:34 pm

Brett Garner should hire Rickey Henderson.

Rickey kicks Brett in the balls every time he waits until two strikes to try to steal a base.

That's how you learn.

3 OldYanksFan   ~  Nov 17, 2010 7:23 pm

Red Sox talks for Upton heat up before stalling over Arizona's demands
The Diamondbacks want an outfielder to replace Upton, along with two pitchers
Gritner, Joba and a Killer B?

4 Mr. OK Jazz TOKYO   ~  Nov 17, 2010 8:08 pm

[3] No way in hell Arizona takes that deal for Upton. He's a monster talent.

[0] A-Rod travels to India and meets the Maharashi Yogi's grandson, studies yoga with him and Zak Starkey.

5 RIYank   ~  Nov 17, 2010 8:27 pm

Dealing Upton really doesn't make any sense to me at all. The D-Backs have made it clear that they won't take prospects. Obviously they don't want expensive veterans. So, they want players who are like Justin Upton: very good, cheap, proven. But this just doesn't happen. Nobody trades really good 22 year olds for other really good 22 year olds. Both sides would have to be convinced that they were getting the better deal.

6 Shaun P.   ~  Nov 17, 2010 10:04 pm

[5] Or the team getting Upton would have to overpay, because they would have more use for Upton than for 3 guys who are on the cusp of the big leagues, but aren't there yet.

[3] I think RAB pointed out that any deal for Upton would have to start with Montero and would likely include Banuelos as well, and probably another high profile, high upside guy. That sounds about right to me. The Ryan Kalish-Casey Kelly-Michael Bowden pu pu platter [4] wouldn't cut it.

I think Towers just put it out there to see if someone would give him the farm for Upton, because after all, the Dbacks' farm system really isn't that great, and he could re-stock it if someone gave him a killer package for Upton. I don't see it happening, though.

7 RIYank   ~  Nov 18, 2010 6:57 am

[6] That I could understand. But I thought the D-Backs had said they wouldn't take cusp guys. (Jack Cusp is too old, anyway.) For instance, the article says they wouldn't be interested in Ryan Kalish. And "Towers had made it clear that he's not interested in dealing off major leaguers for prospects -- no matter how talented."

So, no prospects, no expensive veterans, and obviously he will insist on comparable value. Conclusion: what he really wants in exchange for Justin Upton, is Justin Upton.

The buzz around here, by the way, is that although the Sox would love to land Upton, they really have their sites on an Adrian Gonzales trade.

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"This ain't football. We do this every day."
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