I’m writing to you today from the afterlife, but please do not be alarmed. I am asking for your kindest assistance in a noble venture. It is completely on the up-and-up, and my minions are beyond questioning regarding their decency and motives. They have taken my good name and ascribed it to a cancer research foundation. Not only have they done that, but they’ve endeavored to undertake a fundraising walkathon in that hallowed house of our National Pastime, Yankee Stadium.
Yes, on the same field that the smoothly dashing Derek Jeter and genial yet lethal Mariano Rivera ply their trade, many feet will trod on August 15th. They will saunter and/or gallop through the corridors of the seating areas, and end their 5K jaunt on the warning track of the Stadium. And you, dear reader, can join in this aerobic activity.
What’s that you say? You can’t make the event? Your “ambulatoryness” lost its “ness”? You can’t afford the entry fee? Well, I am sad to hear of that, and I can’t help but think of the opportunity you are missing, but let me offer you yet another way to help my enterprise.
Unbeknownst to you readers still of this mortal coil, they do have the Internet in Heaven (I hear they have it in Hell too, but there its dial-up). One of my favorite sites for sportswriting is the portal through which I am communicating right now, Bronx Banter. It just so happens that Diane Firstman, an erudite Banter columnist and long-legged lass, who can probably circle the bases in a mere 64 paces or so, is already registered for the event, and is looking for supporters.
Being of the feminine persuasion, and therefore lack some of the proper, how should we say, “equipment” to play this wondrous game of baseball, this may be the only way dear Diane will ever make it onto the dirt at Yankee Stadium (unless she tumbles out of the stands in a futile attempt to corral an $8.00 foul ball, but of course that would require a seat in those “Legends” sections, which would seem to imply that the sittee could BUY hundreds of those same $8.00 baseballs and not risk getting tossed out of the Stadium by that delightful Yankee Stadium gestapo, but I digress). It would touch my weary soul if you would pledge a few dollars towards her participation in this event.
If you’ve read this far, I thank you. If you’ve decided to participate by joining this walkathon/run, I thank you. If you’ve decided to participate by supporting Ms. Firstman, I thank you. If you HAVEN’T read this far, then there must be some alternate reality existing within this portal, and I suggest you log off and go outside and throw a ball around.
Sincerely, Damon Runyon’s ethereal presence . . .