I turned 40 years old today. It was a very casual birthday party, with just my wife and sons, and only 150 of our most intimate household staff. We were going to attend Game 4 of the MEGA-SERIES at Yankee Stadium tonight, but honestly, after winning the first three games against the Mexico City Mets by a combined score of 48-3, we thought we’d enjoy the clincher from our cozy little mansion on Central Park West (as you know I bought the Museum of Natural History from the city during the bankruptcy saga of 2012).
As I reflect on the last five years, it’s hard to imagine things working out any better – and I can trace it all back to when the Yankees passed on Cliff Lee in the winter of 2010. Man, I was such a naïve moron in those days, 35 years dumb, wanting Cliff Lee to pitch for the Yankees at just about any cost. I thought it would be great.
Thankfully, the Yankees did not sign Lee, and instead decided to give the 150 million dollars earmarked for his salary back to Yankee fans in proportion to the amount of tickets purchased in 2010. I got a nice check for $351.26. I took that money, and, well, you know the rest. I now own most of New York City.
The Yankees struggled to compete in 2011. The Boston Red Sox had assembled a better team by spending freely and won the World Series. Little did they know, that would be the last title Boston would ever win. Because of the crippling costs of paying Carl Crawford, the Red Sox cut corners on maintenance of Fenway Park and it sank into the ground during the victory parade.
Having no readily available baseball facility, the Red Sox have been playing in Portland, Maine ever since. Now that Major League Baseball has adopted the relegation system, the “Snow Sox” have been toiling in the Minor Leagues since 2013. If only they had not signed such irresponsible deals in 2010! They would still be kings of New England, head of a nation. Now the players themselves have to clear the field of snow before games. Dustin Pedroia likes it though. He gets to drive the plow.
The other thing that happened in 2011 is that Bud Selig, in his final act before being eaten by jackals, pushed through some big changes to the structure of the baseball Postseason. Certain future World Series championships would be worth way more present ones. If you won the 2011 World Series, you only got one trophy and only were allowed one parade. If you won the 2015 World Series, now the MEGA-SERIES, it was worth five trophies and five parades. And if you won the 2050 World Series, the GOLDEN-SERIES, it was worth 100 trophies and parades and earned you bragging rights for the entire century.
Had the Yankees been saddled with Cliff Lee’s ridiculous contract they would have had no shot at the MEGA-SERIES. They also would not have been able invest on player development with such gusto. In 2011, Yankee scientists discovered the “baseball-gene” by studying the recently acquired tissues of the Alou, Boone and Brett families – another use of the so-called “Lee Moolah.” Thus the Yankees were the only team to develop baseball-primed embryos before President Palin banned science after her inauguration in January of 2013.
The Yankees transferred the embryos to their “incubation center” on the moon. These fertilized eggs will evolve into baseball gods in 2050, just in time for the GOLDEN-SERIES. I will be 75 in 2050 and I think I’ve set it up perfectly for Yankee fans – did I forget to mention I also own the team? Winning that 2050 GOLDEN-SERIES will make the intervening decades of mediocrity so worth it. I can’t wait to attend those 100 parades. You know, if I’m not dead.