
I have a cousin who wants to be Jewish in the worst way. She is funny and bright and beautiful (her father, born Irish Catholic, married my aunt) and she calls herself Jew “ish.” Heavy on the “ish.” Sometimes I feel more “ish” than a bonafide Jew. My mother was raised Catholic, went to school with the nuns, and reluctantly “converted” to Judiasm under relentless pressure from my father’s parents. Mom all but renounced her conversion, if not technically, then at least in spirit, so I have never for a moment considered her a Jew in any way, shape or form. Her conversion said more about my father’s unwillingness to stand up to his parents than it did about his own religious convictions.
My father, of course, considered himself Jewish even though he didn’t believe in God, even if he only attended Synagogue twice a year, on the high holidays, to pay respects to his parents. He also considered his children Jewish though we had no formal religious training. The thought that we would consider ourselves only half-Jewish was something he laughed at. “Half-Jewish means Jewish,” he once told me. I didn’t have a barmitzvah, neither did my sister or my brother. I am not religious at all, and the extent of my participation in Judiasm is going to a Chanukah party and one sedsr every year. They have significance as family gatherings more than anything else. I have memorized the songs from Passover, they are hard-wired into my consciousness, in the same way I remember nursey rhymes. I don’t know what the words mean, I just know the melodies and what words sound appealing and funny. The songs are soulful and fill me with warmth and sadness.
The seders weren’t always unpleasent, though negotiating the Afikomen payment with my uncle Georgie was nothing short of terrifying. “So what makes you think you deserve money for this little piece of Afikomen?”
Dag, I don’t know, dude, can I just sit down before I wet myself, please?
Since I’ve been an adult, the seders have always been increasingly informal, with the non-Jews in the family starting to out-number the Jews. They are loud and lively. I like the chaotic commotion and I love the fresh horseradish, which I pile onto pieces of matzoh until my nose is running and my eyes are red.
And what’s not to like about supressed laughter? That’s the best kind, isn’t it? Trying to remain serious as my father read through the Haggadah was always fun, and now his absence is almost palpable.
Still, the story, of the Jews flight from Eygpt, is one that can be applied to the current state of the world, but I have never found a strong connection to it. I don’t feel comfortable wearing a yarmulke or talking about God. I can’t read the four questions in Hebrew.
I asked my brother the other day if he feels Jewish. And he said, “Depends on the company.” Around Jews, it is hard to feel Jewish because there is so much about the rituals that we never experienced. But around Goyim, yeah, sometimes it is easy to feel Jewish.
More than anything I feel like a New Yorker. I can identify with the New York Jewish life. I am an American–and never felt so strongly about that as I did on my recent trip to Belgium–but my nationality is New Yorker. And after all, Lenny Bruce said if you are a New Yorker, you are a Jew. I would add, Dominican, Irish, Italian, Black, Mexican, Cuban, you name it, under that umbrella. The beauty of being a New Yorker is that you can be a little bit of everything and altogether yourself.